Toxic Schmaltz

Schmaltz it up, the blog is it.

writing is hard, posting random shit is easy:

Let Me Zoom Out for You

You remember that scene in Planet Earth where they showed a mountain goat and just kept zooming out to reveal the insane cliff it was on? If you’re like me, you yelled “LOOK AT THAT FUCKIN’ GOAT” and then thanked the heavens for the ability to zoom out. Unfortunately, zooming out isn’t always the best option. Sometimes it can take what is a good to great picture and send it right into Candlemass levels of sucking (that’s right, I said it).

Exhibit A:

Oh hell yes, it’s Scott Ian. Sure it’s the current Scott with his goatee (look at this fuckin’ goat), but he’s still a thrash god. More importantly, he’s rocking the leathers so you know he’s ready to shred. No more VH1 bullshit, it’s time to get caught in a mosh!

Oh… that guy in fucking Fall Out Boy? That’s right, this is Mr. Not’s new side project, The Damned Things, with members of Fall Out Boy and Every Time I Die. Nothing like pussy ass pop punk and metalcore to really ruin a picture quickly.

Okay, time for a palette cleanser. I can’t handle the sight of a hero of mine hanging out with those dicks. How about a chick? Chicks fix everything, man.

Exhibit B:

Here we go! Nothing finer than a babe in a Motörhead shirt. Sure nobody really likes Diet Coke, but she’s gotta keep the figure that you’ll be feeling up after a quick listen to Ace of Spades and a mention that you were the editor of the school newspaper. And are you really going to let a stupid pink bag get between you and some perky metalhead tits? No way, dude. This is a one way ticket to Bonersville, USA.

Lizzy fucking McGuire?! Are you kidding me? Sure she’ll blow you on a balcony for proposing, but there’s no way this Disney princess is going to even know what Overkill is. Thanks again fashion for commercializing heavy metal. Really knocked it out of the park on this one.

Speaking of fashion ruining things, it’s time for some black metal.

Exhibit C:

Hey, it’s Hoest! I bet he’s doing something controversial and you all want to blog about it and how great Taake is. Right?

Oh hey, it’s Hoest’s dick! Gotta love that he’s letting his left ball share the spotlight too.

Staring at another man’s penis while writing this has made me a little bit uncomfortable, so let’s move on quickly to something a little less challenging to my heterosexuality

Exhibit D:

Look at how sexy this fucking photo is. Axl and Sebastian together at last making all you ladies wish you were a pair of spandex shorts. Oh, and Axl’s belt says “FUCK YOU” so there’s an extra layer of awesome. Think of a duet with these two and just imagine how many metalhead weddings that would play at. It would make “Home Sweet Home” look like the damn “Chicken Dance.”

Oh and who’s hanging out on the other side of the room?

Just Slash and Duff being great as always. I cannot verify whether their pants are unbuttoned, but you know they are about to get down to some bad shit and one might end up being defibrillated before the night is done.

So this looks like an awesome room to be in, right?

God dammit, who let that tennis playing twat be the assuredly tiny meat in a badass sandwich? Nice finger tape. Afraid you’re gonna break a finger trying to stay on beat? I think you’re safe, buddy.

Exhibit D:

Now how could this go wrong? Unless the chick is packing Hoest’s dick under that skirt, Dave is in for an awesome night. Nobody is cooler than Mustaine. And that’s a fact, jack.

Yeah, suck it Lars, you can’t go wrong with Megadave

Support my new sister blog, Moshin’ and Noshin’ for all your (metalhead cooked) food porn needs! I’ll be posting shit I make (expect tons of pizza), restaurant reviews, and whatever hell else I feel like.

Tell your friends and I swear I’ll update Toxic Schmaltz too.

Review: Vindicator - The Antique Witcheries

No, I’m not writing this review because I got a thanks in the liner notes. I’m writing this because I tell you what to think (when I actually remember Toxic Schmaltz exists), and this is likely one of the best thrash releases of 2010.

After a rough few years fraught with lineup changes and other bullshit (LeBron leaving the Cavs), Vindicator returns to show the metal world why they have both the Katon AND the Fenriz stamp of approval.

We’ll start first with the production. If you have a copy of the band’s debut There Will Be Blood, you will immediately recognize the importance of actually having a record label. The production quality on The Antique Witcheries is fantastic, and the album does not feel hollow like a worn out groupie’s soul. Everything sounds clean on this album and it lacks the overcompression that has ruined so many recent releases.

Along with the vastly improved production, Vindicator’s sound matured heavily for this release. Whereas before they were playing straight forward, raw thrash straight out of a Brazilian ghetto, The Antique Witcheries shows a more complex and progressive sound ala Megadeth’s transition from their debut to Rust In Peace.

Perhaps in response to this change in sound, Marshall Law cleaned up his vocals with a fucking Magic Eraser (think Mr. Clean will pay me for the product placement?). Gone are the gruff screeches of a former black metaller. Instead, Law holds back on most tracks, letting it only rip a few times over the whole album. Sometimes this newly subdued style is entirely appropriate (most notably on the album closer “Strange Aeons”), and sometimes it is just thrash vocal blue balls. The gang vocals (the most important vocals of all), though, are stellar. As mentioned, the polished production gives the album a heaviness, so it actually feels like a gang, rather than a group of bratty teenagers (see: every local hardcore release you’ve ever heard).

The riffs are really the driving force with the album, as they should be. Lead songwriter Vic Stown really brought it with this release, transitioning from crushing riff to crushing riff, while keeping you on your toes with well-placed harmonies. Nearly every song has a catchy as hell (in the good way) chorus. Just try getting through the day without having one of the songs stuck in your head (Which brings me to this point: Don’t listen to this album on the way to work unless you want to be caught softly singing in the walk-in cooler…not that it happened to anyone I know…nope).

I don’t know shit about how to talk about drums beyond saying it sounds cool, so I’ll say this: Marc Reign, the drummer for Destruction (the member that isn’t Schmier or Mike), once told Jesse Stown that he is a good drummer. He’s right. 

Lyrically, the album touches on all the thrash mainstays: zombies, political corruption, evil scientists. With two tracks focusing on the evil lurking in the watery depths (“Dead in the Water” and “Strange Aeons,” an ode to everyone’s favorite dark lord Cthulhu) it is clear that Vindicator has a case of hydrophobia. And with the band being from northeast Ohio, I don’t blame them. I went swimming in Lake Eerie one time and I thought I was going to grow a third arm (suck it, Rick Allen).

So what more is there to ask for? Great riffs, gang vocals galore, and songs about zombies and rats. Frankly, I should have stopped after mentioning Katon and Fenriz. That should be enough for any sane person to know this is good. Anyways, if you haven’t picked up The Antique Witcheries yet, you are doing yourself a disservice. And furthermore, catch the band on their Recipe for Anarchy tour starting this weekend. Dates are on their Myspace.

[Note to Vindicator: My check’s in the mail, right?]

GPOY as Fenriz in front of a record vault

Great men pose alike

Bands You Should Listen To: Vindicator

Poor Ohio. More specifically, poor Cleveland. For a city full of really good, salt of the earth people, it’s a depressing as hell place to be. It’s cold enough to make Abbath wish for summer, and their sports teams will never win a goddamn thing (AND that dude boned LeBron’s mom). Thankfully, there is one good thing coming out of the Rock n Roll Capital of the World: VINDICATOR. This fearsome fivesome of balls to the walls thrashers is hell bent on bringing nothing but old school thrash to the world, and nothing can stop them.

Formed in 2005, Vindicator first got the metal world’s attention in 2008 with their self-funded debut There Will Be Blood, a blistering 10 track message that Cleveland metal isn’t just about Destructor. With the seal of approval from Fenriz himself (he rocked out to the album while sorting mail), the band continued setting northeast Ohio on fire with their high energy live shows. After a number of lineup changes, the band released an awesome split with Germany’s Metal Witch for Slaney Records (which you can buy right here). 

With ever-improving songwriting (their work on the split is on par with any thrash released in the past 15 years) and a stable line up, Vindicator is poised to release their sophomore effort (and their first with Heavy Artillery), The Antique Witcheries, on August 10, and you damn well better buy it. More importantly, if Vindi comes to town, you better be the first in line to see them.

Vindicator’s real strength is live energy. From start to finish, the band never stops thrashing, no matter the size of the crowd.

Not content to just tear up the stage, frontman Marshall Law (like a skinnier, less sweaty King Fowley) will often join the crowd for a rousing circle pit (always counter clockwise, my friends, always) while the rest of the band shreds, pretty much forcing anyone in the room to waltz it up. At Thrasho de Mayo IV, Vindicator managed to be the only band to get a wall to wall circle pit in the Knitting Factory, which is no easy feat.

Shit looks positively South American, especially the curly haired hombre up front.

So if you claim to like old school metal, and you don’t do what I tell you and listen to Vindicator, you sir (or ma’am, though I doubt that since metal is a sausagefest) are a poser. Seriously, this band is the real deal. No gimmicks. No frills. Pure thrash. Go to their Myspace, buy their albums, buy their merch, see them live, and get some damn Advil for your neck.

[This is the only time I’ll ever ask you to reblog this, because the world must know!]

Sometimes, You Just Gotta Look 90s Rap

Don’t ask me why, but somewhere down the line, 80s metal band members decided that they needed to look like members of House of Pain or the Funky Bunch (Please don’t kick my ass, Mark Wahlberg, respected actor). Thin goatees, oversized jackets, layering with sweatshirts, they had it all. This trend was not limited by genre and seemed to happen without rhyme or reason. Now let’s see how the mighty have fallen.

Paul Di’Anno

Maiden fans will forever argue over who is better: Paul Di’Anno or Bruce Dickinson. Some like Paul’s attitude, others prefer Bruce’s ability to fill out spandex so nicely. If they say Blayze, immediately shove them into traffic. But back to Paul. The dude was a badass, there is no denying that. He once looked like this:

So much leather. But have no fear, all the sweat he was no doubt generating did not affect his grip on the mic (Sweatbands might be the most metal accessory). I guess without Maiden, Paul was lost in a sea of fashion and ended up smack dab in 90s rap territory:

Lookit that, he’s even got jaunty hand gestures trying to appeal to them young kids. If Paul were allowed in the country, I’d give him some advice in person. Sadly, he’ll have to settle for me making fun of his clothes on the internet. Nice jacket, Paul. Did you get it from the Cool As Ice wardrobe sale?

Charlie Benante

Charlie is an awesome drummer. He basically introduced the blast beat to thrash and also is a double bass god. He also once had the best taste in fashion (by virtue of being a member of Anthrax in the 80s):

Huge curly hair - check. Hardcore band shirt - check. Disgustingly hairy arms - check. Yep, that is definitely a member of Anthrax when they were on top of the world. Unfortunately, somewhere Charlie took a fashion wrong turn (by virtue of being in a Anthrax today), and he looks like this:

Just like Di’Anno, Charlie grew the hideous goatee with pencil thin sides. He also decided that having his hood up outside of the rain was a good look. I don’t even know what’s up with the hand symbol he’s throwing (Quick hint: no elaborate hand symbols unless you’re in ST). On behalf of the internet, we miss the old Anthrax! I don’t care if you’re old, I want to see your hairy ass legs clad in Bermuda shorts.


Quorthon is a mystery. Simple as that. In his young days, he was a mystery clad in some of the most ridiculous attire ever worn by a metal artist:

Look at all the studs and bullets. He might honestly be wearing clothes that weight more than him. And a bone necklace? How very Baron Samedi of him. And as we all know, belly shirts are black metal as all hell. Then, I’m sure to the dismay of all the lame kids running around in corpsepaint, Quorthon showed up looking like this towards the end of his life:

Looks like all those Vikings weren’t drinking mead, but instead sipping on gin and juice. Note the facial hair, a recurring theme in our transformations. Unfortunately, Quorthon was still too mysterious for hand symbols, instead choosing to look hard as fuck in his bomber and backwards hat. I wonder if listening to Mack 10 would make Odin proud.

So what have we learned today? Despite how much you ruled in the 80s, you will eventually grow a retarded looking goatee, get an oversized sweatshirt, and give up the way of the leather pants. Like Quorthon, this issue will always remain a mystery, but hey, sometimes a mother fucker just has to look 90s rap.

Ice cream metal punks.




Fenriz = kvlt

While ice cream is inherently cold and frostbitten I will contest the grimness of happy cartoon caterpillars.

ice cream and Fenriz? now that’s kvlt
oh and so is that caterpillar.

I… Just—♥. CVTE.

Ice cream metal punks.





Fenriz = kvlt

While ice cream is inherently cold and frostbitten I will contest the grimness of happy cartoon caterpillars.

ice cream and Fenriz? now that’s kvlt

oh and so is that caterpillar.

I… Just—♥. CVTE.

I’m bored as all hell with strep.

Why You Suck and Excel Rules

The first part is easy. You suck because if I say, “Venice,” you think, “Suicidal Tendencies.” (If you thought Hulk Hogan, this is not the blog for you.  If you thought Venice, Italy, let me remind you that skateboards are better than gondolas). What you should think is, “EXCEL, MOTHER FUCKER.”  Why? If you’ve never heard them, you are missing out.  Excel perfectly captured the Venice sound, mixing hardcore punk with metal and cholos. Enough with this words shit (I think Tumblr might all together ban the practice of reading soon), onto the pictorial evidence!

We start with their logo (credit their Myspace). Just look at how badass it is. At first you think it’s some Viking warrior skull demon, but then you notice the hat. Son of a bitch is a WIZARD! Think of all the dead, evil mage powers he has. And is that a crystal ball? I guarantee it predicted the future right everytime someone bought an Excel record (“You will enjoy the hell out of this record”). He’s also posed like the Tall Man from Phantasm, which is just an added bonus.

With a logo like that, you’d think Excel would be satisfied to just rest on their visual art laurels. You are oh so wrong.

This awesome piece (credit Graffiti LA) is only one of the many bombings done throughout the years to let everyone know what’s up. You don’t see graffiti dedicated to posers because posers got stabbed in 80s Venice. And that’s the way it should be. Nowadays they just get record contracts (Black Tide) and retarded makeovers that include Affliction shirts (Black Tide).

So with that logo and all the graffiti, you might assume that Excel was vato as all hell. Whoops, wrong again.

Look at these burnt out surfin’ and skatin’ mother fuckers. The only thing cholo about them is the shoes (Kung fu slippers were part of the uniform back in the day). Let’s play a fun game; guess the drummer.  If you answered the dude without long hair, you have not been paying attention to how Excel defies convention. They even covered the Police’s “Message in a Bottle” for Lemmy’s sake.

Did Excel need a crowd to play?


(picture credit their Myspace)

Of course not! I think there are actually more people onstage than off, but that does not matter. Excel didn’t need a crowd to rule. If I have not argued this well enough, go listen to Split Image and tell me I’m wrong. If I heard someone trash this band in person, I would likely punch them right in their blasphemous mouth.

So Excel, thanks for being so awesome.

Theme by paulstraw.